Recently, i got to know myself a tad better. Its weird how you have been living with this very person for 21 years and yet you still do not know her well. Or perhaps i have changed, just that i didnt realised or whatever, I dont know.

And to tell the truth, i am not particularly proud of what i have discovered. Because it made me realise what a selfish, possessive, unreasonable, and oh not understanding ( according to someone) person i am.

And you know what, I dont mind being selfish, possessive, unreasonable and so not understanding if they are not the very things i am so against of. Because i cant stand when each time i execute my selfishness, possessiveness, unreasonableness and whats not, there's another part of me that screams " fuck you bitch" right back at my face.

And to tell you the truth again, I hate being scolded in that way, by myself . So the only thing i can do when i feel the surge of selfishness, possessiveness and unreasonableness rising in me, i fight them back. Its a tough battle that results in half watery eyes that i will pass off as a yawn ( or wipe off with a well-versed surreptitious sweep), fucking sore throat, speech impairment, self pity and etc...

Okay, to be straighter to the point, i am experiencing a very strong sense of helplessness: A feeling of not being able to manage. Its the fucking oh my god, what can i do when life presents you with no choice.

i hate my life.